Needs of Bereaved Parents

Need for support

Parents are devastated at the news that their baby has died and feel very much as if they are alone. With their mind in a shocked numb state, everything seems confused. Parents need to know there are family, friends and health care professionals around to give support in the midst of their hurt.

Why Us?

Each bereaved parents has so many questions that need to be answered. Many of these questions can be answered by medical and nursing staff, some by the hospital chaplain, most by other bereaved parents (SANDS visitors) who have been there and know what it is like to hurt so intensely.

Understanding

Bereaved parents need to be understood. There needs to be some understanding by those who are dealing with them of why bereaved parents react the way they do. At least those who are involved in helping are listening to bereaved parents and learning from them.

Need to know medical reasons

Parents speak very highly of those in the medical profession who speak honestly and clearly when giving the reasons for the death of their babies. They have a compulsive need to know the answers to their questions. These answers (or lack of them in some cases) have a very real bearing on their peace of mind for any future pregnancy.

Effects on other children in the family

The other children in the family also grieve over the loss of their baby. The parents are hurting so much themselves that many of them do not realise how the other children have been effected. Too often in the past, these other children have been overlooked and many suffer from a lot of unresolved grief. These children need help in dealing with the death of the baby.

Will it happen again?

This is a question that is uppermost in the thinking of all parents whose baby has died. This question needs to be answered truthfully and straightforward. Medical science has made great strides forward but cannot provide all the answers. Even when some questions cannot be answered, parents want the truth.

Need for close family and friends

Bereaved parents need their family and their friends around them immediately following the death of their baby. Many stay away because they do not know what to say or do and are afraid of "hurting" the parents even more. Little do they realise that "avoiding": causes greater hurt to the parents. Just to "be there" without necessarily saying anything can bring great comfort and support.

To be together alone

Bereaved parents need time alone. They need to be able to hold one another.. cry together.. talk together.. reassure one another.. comfort one another in privacy.

To be alone

Each bereaved parents needs space in which they can be alone. Some aspects of the grief process require solitude.

Wanting to talk

Bereaved parents have a need to talk about the death of their baby. Mothers quickly show this need and they should be allowed to talk freely. Fathers tend to "internalize" and withdraw, but should be encouraged to talk about what has happened. Talking about the death of the baby helps greatly.

Photographs

Photos should be taken of every baby who has died. These photos should be made available to the parents. If at first they say no to this offer - they should be allowed to change their mind. These photos become very precious to the parents and especially to other children in the family as time goes on.

To hold and see their baby

Every parent should be given an opportunity to decide for themselves if they wish to see and hold their dead baby. This is particularly important if the baby is stillborn. To be able to see and hold their baby helps establish the reality of their child and this is necessary, especially for healthy resolution of grief. Parents should be encouraged... never forced... and allowed to change their minds if they wish. Always remember that reality is better than fantasy.

Funeral arrangements

Health care professionals should never presume to decide for the parents that a hospital burial (unmarked grave) is in their best interests. Not to know where or when your baby is buried does cause a lot of heartache for many bereaved parents. The baby is theirs... and they should be given full information of all the funeral options and be allowed to decide for themselves the funeral for their own baby.

Talk to others who have "been there"

Newly bereaved parents appreciate being able to talk to SANDS parents
because they know that they have also suffered the trauma of the death of their baby. They have stabilized in their grief and are coping with the loss and this brings hope that they too can survive this deep hurt. There is great comfort in knowing that they are not alone and there are others who know exactly how they are feeling and reacting.

Being able to have time alone with their baby

Many nursing staff are very sensitive to this need and offer bereaved parents valuable time alone with their baby.

Facing going home

Going home without the new baby that they were so looking forward to can be a very difficult time. To face the empty nursery is hard. The bereaved parents themselves should be allowed to decide when they want to go into the nursery and should be allowed time to decide what they wish to do with the contents.

To be treated as normal

Many bereaved parents are made to feel "odd" and they feel a little " abnormal" when both family and friends avoid talking about their baby and what has happened. Even though their baby died - he or she did exist- and this fact should be acknowledged. The greatest help that can be offered is to be allowed to talk about their baby.